Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in shadowfeel's LiveJournal:

Saturday, August 7th, 2004
2:32 am	things that generally suck Well let's see..life sucks.My life anyway. Got my rent paid by the township again for another month,and got recertified for food stamps until February this time..all things I don't want or like to do,but do because I must. I lost my 12 year job in October,haven't found a job since,being in the economically depressed place that I am.Health problems and restrictions now making it almost impossible to find anything,it gets uncomfortable when I sit too long and uncomfortable if I stay on my feet too much,knee problems,heart problems,and taking scads of meds everyday.Selling my various collections of comics,books,toys and what-not on ebay just to survive to pay electric and phone. Unfortunately theres no 'poor folks' plan for gas during the summer,but starting in the fall there will be,so thats a ..ahem..bright spot. My life has been going steadily downhill and into the shitter since last august..van dies about the same time as my credit cards got maxed. The only wise thing I did was to do bankruptcy..goddess knows what it'd be like if i still had that mess. Sometimes I don't know why I keep on living.Why doesn't the Gods take it in their grace to just let me die and end the misery?Why am I kept alive for no purpose?But no,the Gods want to apparently toy with me and torment me instead of granting me the peace of death . What will it take,to freeze to death on the street someday?I wonder. Sometimes I like to liken myself to the Maytag repair men..'the loneliest guy in town'.But I really don't mind solitude since I'm very much a loner anyway.I never hear from friends any more. And friends on the internet are getting pretty much the same way.I don't know the last time I had a real conversation in the past few weeks..well one that mattered enough to stimulate the ol' brain anyway.It's no wonder I always feel I've outlived any usefullness to the world at large. It's practically a miricle that I can be in a good mood as often as I do.Maybe because it actually takes very little to make me happy.A roof over my head..solitude..some spending money,maybe a chuckle here and there,that's all I really need to be happy.And then I run into people who say "you need a woman!" and I want to strangle them. Thats added stress that I don't need,and I'm happy being single and alone.I'm one of those who,if I were stranded alone on a desert island,would be happy as a clam. However it never ceases to amaze me that everyone thinks the cure to everything is companionship."Excitement,Adventure..a Jedi craves not these things". It seems like everyone I know who is in a relationship isn't happy,from new couples to old couples,so I count my blessing on that and pursue no relationships in that area,although I am basicly romantic at heart,and miss that somewhat. But thats why I go into chatrooms,a little harmless flirting here and there,that fills that part of that need. But I think I've done rants on relationships already,although there will be more,since really the subject facinates me. However I do think the idea that 'there is someone for everyone' is an untrue statement. All are not ment to be the same.I guess I find bliss in individuality. But,hey,that's just the way I am..misunderstood. And if the Gods have some purpose for me..I do wish they'd show me and soon,for I grow weary of this exsistence. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
11:04 am	TANGENTS 2:some after thoughts I forgot to mention some other recent tangents: Had a Led Zepplin tangent. Had a Pink Floyd tangent. Had a major art tangent with Van Gogh,Michalaglo,Da Vinci and especially abstract art. I have so many interests,it's maddening. A freind of mine (HI,FF!:-l)commented that I sure write a lot in these journals,and she's right,I'm a wordy mutha.Too many thoughts,too much to turn over i guess. But,hey,this is the place to do it I guess,with (i guess)unlimited wordage. And to think this is all an off-shoot of updating my Yahoo profile,could never fit all i wanted to say in the short space. I recently suggested to Yahoo that they increase the profiles to where you can add more words in your hobbies and latest news. I know it did no good,but..well,it was something to do other then looking for jobs that don't exist and my umpteen other interest. Oh wait,i feel another Tangent coming on..Tomb Raider pc games..mmmmm..must..go..to..other..computer...heh heh PEACE! (Comment on this)
10:36 am	Tangent,Feelie is thy name! Okay today we'll examine my little tangent of the moment. It seems I'm always attaching myself to some little impulse or tangent or whatever for something to be hooked into for the moment. Sometimes its a tv show,or a band,or a movie or movies or directors,or authors and such. In the past week or so,it's been an author. Namely Erle Stanley Gardners Perry Mason mysteries. Yeah,I'm old so I remember the old Perry Mason tv shows,great show,good mysteries. It was one of my mom's favorites too if I remember.I've always liked mysteries and detective stories when they're fairly well done. Now,i've known for years and years that the tv show was based on a long series of mystery novels and short stories about the master lawyer Perry Mason. Being a long-time and avid collector of books and flea market freak,I've come across lots and lots of the Gardner Perry Mason books,but I've never bought any. Until this last book sale at the first of July,a library sale of donated books to help fund their projects that they have every year with tons and tons of books. Recently I've really been into mysteries because I'm working on re-igniting my writing career,and I've been reading lots of old issues of Alfred Hitchcocks Mystery Magazine and Ellery Queens Mystery Magazine as possible places for submissions. Each has their own diffrent slant on mysteries,with AFM slanting toward more bizarre mystery and EQ going for more detective and mystery. So i've been gobbling various stories up,even bought a bag-ful of old issues at this sale(on the last day of the sale,you'd buy a grocery bag for $3 and could just fill it with all the books you want..poor me lol) In any event as I filled my bag and was looking through the mystery section ,I snagged a Perry Mason collection of 3 stories by Gardner.(I also found a few collectible books to sell on eBay,but that's a diffrent story heh) I haven't researched it yet,but Gardner wrote hundreds of Perry Mason stories in the late 30's through the 1950's. So i finally started reading this one and damn,if was good stuff..interesting characters,intriquing mystery and awesome characterzation. Though I haven't seen them in years the Perry of TV seemed generally bland,but in the books,he's full of character and cunning. So that is this week's tangent.Perry Mason Mysteries.And actually my first lawyer-related mysteries as such.I plan on finding more of em at other book stores. I kind of figure these have been out of print for a long time.But if you like mysteries,check em out sometime. Another tangent I had earlier this year was when I was still getting unemployment and got my cable tv hooked up again for a sale rate for a few months. I discovered the joys of ..Columbo! Yeah Columbo,the bumbling raincoat detective of TV back in the 70's or there abouts,on Bravo. I just happend to be watching something on the channel and this old Columbo came on..and suddenly I was hooked! Which is weird,because I was never much of a fan of the show when it was originally on,other then watching it a few times. But I was really impressed with the stories and the awesome characterzations and the direction..some of which were directed by some guy named Spielberg. I run into so many people who are like 'argh i hated Columbo',but I got hooked and taped it everyday in 90 min to 2 hour blocks. Lets say I get ansy with the usual tv detective,the tall,handsome clever types that get the women. Columbo was the everyman..seemingly bothersome,bumbling and confused(not to mention sloppy) but with a clever ante to his ways to get results. Gee..I kinda miss TV now. But at least i saved two tapes worth of Columbo to view when i want. Well,thats another trip into the werid mind of the Feelie,we'll let you know of the next tangent that arrives. Peace. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 25th, 2004
12:53 pm	Sometimes even I'm surprized(the Teri Chronicles) Okay,back to more current things after that mish-mash of Handfast/Gathering stuffs. Something very unexpected happened. And its not often that I'm taken by surprize ,but this did it. You'll recall a previous Journal entry involving my ex-online girl friend Teri..this is without me actually checking to see what I'd written at the time. But it probably involved the chatroom drama thing,caused by things that I posted on my profile due to imformation about things that went on when we were supposed to be 'together' and such.And I did put some rather harsh blunt wording with it,though I never specified who the ex was,and avoided any direct retorts,except maybe for some comments when she wasn't present,in some of my more ornery moods. It was a sad turn of events in retrospect,for at one time and for a very long time in the nearly 2 years we were 'together'(and for me,months after she dropped me),Teri was the shining light of my love.Everything evolved around her and for her,although I could be difficult with my streaks of childlishness at times(which admittedly were sometimes kinda faked a la tongue-in-cheek just to test her temperments at times).And of course,she had major issues as well,since every relationship carries that nasty baggage thing.We are all human,and no human is perfect as some of us may picture the objects of our affections. So anyway this little War of the Two Stubbornest Peoples in the World raged on,neither of us showing any signs of quarter.And with it,everyone else was pulled into it,people taking sides in something that really should have been only between us two.I know I never asked anyone to 'take sides'just to understand what was going on,but I'm afraid comments were made here and there and...well,you can see what a hateful sticky web this wove,without going into details. So pressure had been on me to change my profile,and of course when one puts pressure on the Feelie,he resists in his stubborness and for the preservation of what is left of his ego. But time passes,I get bored with "same ol",and changed to less aggressive postings in profile. Because..well,I had been thinking about it for some time,of what a mess it really was,with no chance of getting better with the venom of the words. I've already sung the ballad of how ultimately terrible it is when two people(or in the very least one of us)who once loved so much turn it into hate..noting that there is but a spider's strand between love and hate. No one knows how much I regret that. Well.. I've already said that its rare that I am surprized,and to wit I was when Teri wanted to bury the hatchet and make peace!! This was just after I got back online after getting back from my trip. I was visting in P2 and I see Teri come online,and eventually came into P2. Of course I figured 'oh geez,now I get to hear 'Comments' again',that would be ignored anyway. However,much to her credit,Teri PM'ed me and said she wanted to bury the hatchet and make peace,making it clear she wasn't apologizing..and I would never expect her to do that anyway under the circumstances. Needless to say,I agreed whole heartedly,and then we even had a nice little 'catching up' chat.It was wonderful to talk to someone whom I once considered my best freind in the world. And you know something? Despite our recent diffrences,I very much admire her for taking that step,I'm sure it took all kinds of gumption and pride-swallowing.She is even a bigger person at heart then I thought she was,and I really hand it to her.I guess she'll never cease to amaze me. (Now,to be fair,I had toyed with the idea of doing much the same thing,however I figured it wouldn't be met with success or would rather be ignored,or cause even more trouble.) So now that part is kind of wonderful again,we can go into chat and greet each other and be at least some semblence of freinds again.And the chatpeoples aren't subjected to that terrible anger thing that existed. Hopefully,we can be friends again.And thats all I really wanted ..to be freinds. There is always that talk of 'moving on',but when you've known someone for so long and been so close..well,I don't want to pretend they never existed,and certainly not Teri. I myself finally 'moved on' around february or so,after painfully pining for for months,even to the point that I nearly was going to send her flowers for Valentines Day or her Birthday,despite not really being able to afford it,even just as a gesture of freindship. I know we'll never be 'together' again,and I don't think either of us would want that,especially considering events and happenings in our lives since the time we broke up in August of last year.But being freinds,that is something that is important to me. (In a sad but idiotic gesture on my part,during the time I was still pining away in lost love,I had even thought of sending her the engagement ring that I'd gotten her. This having been bought when we were together and I was still working,with my plan at the time to give it to her on what would have been our 2nd anniversary on Feb 24th,also her birthday.Yes,I loved her so much I wanted to spend my life with her.Luckily commonsense over ruled in the end,so I never did this,since of course she knows nothing about the ring in the first place,which is housed in my Teri Memorie Section with her letters and gifts.) But don't get my wrong,I still love her in that deep recess of the heart that dwells during the time of our relationship,which I will cherish forever,though perhaps tainted a bit by the recent dramas and bad-things. So this is how I was taken totally by surprize by something that I never ever expected to happen.Sometimes good things DO happen. And all I can really add is 'Goddess bless you,Teri,and thank you so much'. ~Peace,people.Its a good thing.Don't let anger rule your lives. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 24th, 2004
3:19 pm	The rest of the Gathering/Handfast..I hope heh Lots of Friday was spent getting a line on the Coming of Kaz and Sorcey which was supposed to be sometime that day,and time was spent with Crys running people here and there in her Wenchymobile.The rest of the guys pitched in and all got some beer,which I didn't partake of. I spent most of my time down in the yard talking with Dem and Dom and the others when it wasn't rainy,because the camp chairs were easier to get out of ,with my legs n knees bothering me bigtime.I think perhaps there is something else wrong with my legs but I don't know what yet,although my mother had deterrioting kneecap probs and my granddad had severe spine arthritis,and I think it may have something to do with that,and my weight.We'll have to see. Later in the evening we took a jaunt downtown from Castle Krys to the public square thing to listen to a Celtic band that rocked big time.My problem with that was the walk down about done me in,with my weakass legs,doing some serious stubbling. Afterwards,we all kind of split up,with the others headed back to the house for the car,while Dom,Elle,myself and Krys visted a local irish pub and enjoyed drinks together,Guiness beer,Bushmills,ect. It was very nice. Elle let me sip her Bushmills which I'd never tasted before,and Krys got a big plate of munchies for us,bless her,and I think I tossed in some cash somewhere,since I really hate to feel like a freeloader (insert plaintive face here,heh) In New York,you can't smoke in the bars,so smoking was outside only.But such is the way of the times and I don't smoke much anyway. The tavern was followed by another jaunt home accompanied by leg pain,walking and talking with Dom on the way.Dom is a great guy.He's one of several I was glad who I could get to meet on this excursion.Sorcey and her son arrived while we were gone,so the backyard looked like TentCity and was a good time. The rest of friday involved pizza,beer and talk and carrying on.Still no beer for me yet,though I was getting in the mood. One thing that would annoy me:people getting weird about it when I was quiet.I have what I call boredom/regeneration energy as opposed to massive shyness. I have bursts of interactive blahblah,then eventually go quiet and listening to restart my brainpump...heh,heh so to speak. Slept rather pleasantly under the trees in the chairs,where at least I could put my feets up for awhile. SATURDAY: Everyone packed up their tents and gear and formed a car-a-van out to Nates freinds house for the Handfasting. A huge yard out in the country and very paganish i'd say. I rode with Kaz who got in Saturday morning,and is the only other P2er I'd ment previously. She's cool people.I like Kelly immensely,she's full of humor,intelligence and imformation about all kinds of things. I did what I could to help out,but with the legs(sigh,again) it was painful. Numerous other people arrived in addition to freinds and relatives of Nate and Amy. A area was beautifully prepped for the ceremony. When we rode out it was clear and sunny but by the time all was unpacked it started to cloud over. Thus,lo and behold shortly before the ceremony was set to begin,the heavens burst open with a major downpour.We thought it might only be short and light,but it kept coming down and we all retreated to the house and to the little tent shelter where the bonfire wood was covered. Sometime latter preparations were made to get more tent shelters put up for the ceremony and we transported the wood(which consisted of pallets and skids) to the camp area and things got underway,with the beer being tapped and food being layed out,chairs being put under the tent for the ceremony. The ceremony was beautiful. I had tears in my eyes for the first part,in this authentic celtic handfasting. Ele,a native Ulster woman did the ceremony in gaelic,and crystal did the translation. Luckly,things loosed up during the ceremony with some humor and incidents so it wasn't quite as intense and helped the ceremony party..which consisted of elle,nate,amy,crystal and John..relax more. Following the ceremony,people attacked the beer,the grill got sparked and hamburgers,hotdogs,venison were cooking,and there was a big table of food and goodies,including chips,pasta salad ,Eleas Irish soda bread and Guniness cake and all kinds of good things. I finally got some beer and it tasted great,mostly getting from the tap. There was a number of diffrent imported beers around and I don't ever remember getting to drink so many diffrent brews at one time! It was great. There was also two bottle of mead,one which Nate kinda drank mostly himself..much to the poorer result latter in the night*wink* But somebody got another bottle of mead and I enjoyed a nice glassful while stationed at the picinic table,which was my major hangout through the night. The bonfire got lit and made a wonderful sight and the night got wilder as the night went on,as people retreated into little groups and I sat by myself mostly drinking beer and just taking everything in. There was the traditional drunken guys chasing the women and boobie grabbing and all of that,but it was expected. All kinds of pagan friends and freinds of the wedded had showen up here and earlier at the house,including Dracounus,Edana,Lady Hampyre,Nazz(the kissing molestion bandit) and all besides. And the rednecks.Ah yes,LoL! These guys were like a bad sterotype of a Jeff Foxworthy bit. Even I didn't think that level existed.But there they were,and they added a lot of zest and humor to the whole event with GETERDUNE all over,a awkward racial joke time,and fire facination.The fire got flared so many times that I'm surprized those sitting around the fire still have face hair or hair period.It was a rowdy goodtime. Then there was the Great Puking Incident.Draconus had turned 21 and was drinking massively. I finally gave in and moved to a chair by the fire,after Dom,Crystal and ect kept whining at me to do so. But just to retain my own self stubborness,I didn't join the expected group(which would have been on the side by the crystal-dom-john-demo-kas area,which seemed to clichy and out of place for independent lil me),but just took the closet chair i could find,cuz i didn't wanna be real close to the fire anyway. It should be noted that I didn't partake in any kissing or boobie grabbing,despite my 'rep' in chatroomland. I don't think anyone would want a kiss from a fat ugly guy anyway,so I saved em the time.*grins* (however,I did spank a couple of asses at the house,namely Crystal and Kellys.My hands are big.They were memorable spanks for the people.heh) In any event,as the night roared on,Nate ended up getting sick for an hour and Draconus sat by me and suddenly started puking all over,and i got the benifit of it all over my good slacks. Good thing I don't gross out easy. Tried to wipe it off with some napkins,but ended up going up to the house for warm water and a rag to get the rest,as my clothes were limited at that point.I changed the next morning anyway. Dracouns stayed sick the whole night,everybody was worried about him,but he was watched. Beer-wise ,it was odd,I'd drank all kinds of beer,yet I didn't feel a geniune buzz all night.Eventually I grabbed two chairs under the tent,got my sleeping bag and crashed. Unfortunately,it rained again,and while i was trying to sleep,everyone still up was massed in the same tent,loud,playing music and all,so sleeping was kind of bad,really bad. Some people would check up on me now and then,like Dom and Crystal set with me for a bit as I remember. It was past 4am in the morning before the last noisy redneck disappeared so i could sleep.But I look back on all of this now and laugh.Luckily I get by with just a little sleep. Anyway,the next morning on Sunday we all haul everything back into town to Castle Krys,the backyard once again a blurble of tents.Originally,Crystal was leaving Sunday night,but she was just too tired and wanted to start fresh monday morning. Which I don't blame her for.I'd start in the morning too. Sunday night we all went to a japanesse buffet restraunt where we enjoyed delicious food a-plenty in a good-time aftermath of everything. Later at Amys,I found something I'd eaten was giving me painful gas bigtime,prolly some vegtable or from just stuffing myself,so I had to corall that in,with lots of burps and farts.I don't get much bad tummy action,but when i do,its a doooozy! At the persistence of people like Crystal and all,I gave in to sleeping tent style in one of Nates tents.It was a memorable last night,with the others hiphoping over to each others tents for 'goddess knows what'.I was left alone,since I'm always the outcast,lol.However we did have a lot of carrying on and ramble rousing before all went silent finally. I think I'd have preferred the chairs though.The groud was absolutely hard with just my skimmy sleeping bag and no pillow.Getting up off the ground was a major chore.But,hey,I was dry anyway. Monday morning,we said our sad goodbyes to our friends and we squeezed my fat ass into Crystals Jetta once again.I by this time feeling like a frightful inconvenience to her.By this time I'd decided when I returned to home,I was not going to bother her as much,and let her relationships with John,her hubbie,Dom and whatever take what course they might. The way back was interesting because we didn't (yah!)go the same way we came. Went up to Niagra Falls,and the walk up to the site about killed my legs,slowing down poor Crystal and John.(see the inconvenice thing for more details)But I took some pics and they got to go off by themselves for the young romance thing of Niagra Falls. The last time I'd been to the Falls was probaly when I was about 8 i'd guess,which was also about the time of my only trip to Canada,except for a few weeks during the vietnam war years.(did a 'hell no we won't go'with some friends *giggle*) We went thru Canada on the way back,avoiding the mass road tolls and shortening the trip by some 3 hours,with no bad events,lots of scenery and lots of road.And that McD's was rather tasty,too. But it was was good to finally get out of Canada,and during a high alert time no less,and hit the U.S. When we got near New Buffalo,Michigan I helped direct Crystal on the way home again,and it was largely the way that she had come the first time. Finally about 11 pm or so,we arrived at my house ,unloaded and said our goodbyes,and got an actual hug-thing.(Crys gives good hug.wouldn't mind more.Hehheh.) It was a nice trip and I enjoyed a lot of it,though there were the bits of discomfort and pain,mostly due to my physical thing.But I appreciated the oppurtunity more then anyone will ever know. THe Gathering finally happend.And somehow I know I'll never see my chatfreinds again,because I think perhaps the end is coming in some way. It was good to get out of my clothes,shower and just collapse in my lounge chair.Latter I went online to clear out my emails and such,which I hadn't done since I'd left..although I could have used Amys comp if I'd wanted to. But I felt it was like a sacrifice thing in some odd way ,so I didn't. And,damn,for all the sleeping I did in the car,I was damn tired. So ended the Adventure of the Gathering/Handfasting.I'm proud to have been there. Thank you Amy and Nate,and Crystal and John,whereever you are. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 23rd, 2004
12:37 pm	Gathering more July 15 After a trip through the maze knowen as Cleveland and the scenic wonderland of Pennslyvania we finally got into New York afternoon sometime.Ever since we hit New York its been like deja vu for me all of the way. See,my dads family is from New York.Buffalo Cattarugus,ect which isn't far from Batavia. It's been years since I've been there(I think I was last there when i was like 24)but all the places looked somehow familier,and I knew I'd been through or near them in the past. A long journey done,we pulled up at Nate n Amy's apartment in Batavia and Amy came out and greeted us and gave us all hugs n nice stuff. Then we followed her down this concrete strip to the rear and up a narrow flight of stairs to apartment central where we were greeted with more hugs (!hugs are good!) from Nate,Ele(our Ulster sweetie who is staying with Amy while in the U.S.),and Dom(who had just flown in from Wales),and of course Amy and Nates precious daughter Emania who is the sweetest little girl ever. Granted even at this rate it was close quarters. There is an expanse to the apartment but it is cramped with that many people and more to come. So there was people on the couch,floor,and the chair by the computer,which I preferred cuz the couch and floor were so low that with my knee problems was a job to get up off of. Now one interesting aspect of this trip was Dom(or John) and Wolfve(also a John,who came with Crystal)and the expected crush axle so to speak. Dom/John is an old chatfreind of Crystals and a great guy,and has obvious feelings for Crystal which he's never made secret,as theres a lot of history threre. And this was the first time they'd gotten to meet. So,there was this whole Crystal thing going on,Dom and John all cow eyed and attentive to Crystal. Well,EVERYone loves Crystal.Shes a great woman.I've had deep feeling for her myself,I think she's a marvelous lady and is always there for her friends.An amazing woman and hard to beleive she's only 23 with her insights and all.I love her to peices. However,I'm 50 and not completely stupid enough to think there could ever be anything with her,even if she were interested in me.And she's in a sticky married situation,and theres John who lives with them and Dom and..well,naturally I'm not putting myself in the loop.Like I'd ever have a chance with John and Dom in the running in any event.Some people are just too confused to see or know what they want.One of a number of reasons I like staying fancy free.And its less complicated too. After visiting for a while,Amy ordered pizza which was wonderful and good.Variously,some of us would be down on the stairs smoking or in the back yard. Crystal and John set up their tent,Dom was sleeping upstairs on the floor,and I..well..it was confusing about accomodations,and I was trying to keep everything to a mininum,so I didn't have a tent or a air mattress. As a result,I started the night under the surrounding trees...which gave a general protection against the rainy weather. At first I had my bag on the ground,but I didn't have a pillow and couldn't get wrapped up in the bag too much at my size,and it might get wetter on the ground. So after a few hours of that,I streached out between two camp chairs under the trees and put the sleeping bag over me,and pulled out my stocking cap to sheild my head from the bugs and for added warmth. It was all good until about 3am in the morning when the storm cut loose and dumped a steady stream of rain on Bativa. And there I was with no tent. My options weren't a lot.But I definitely couldn't set out in the rain and get completely soaked. So I got on my shoes and hauled my stuff up the stairs to the landing,as I didn't want to wake everyone upstairs. So I spent the rest of the morning propped up on the landing,which was better then getting more wet. I knew that at around 5:30am,Nate was going to wake Crystal and John and head to the train station to pick up Demented,who was coming from Illinois. More confusiion: Demented is another John. Yep,3 Johns.LoL. At the moment ,Nate n Amy don't have a car,as there's recently blew,so had to rely on other transportation for the various running-around over the weekend. So there I was camping on the stairs when Nate got up in the morning,and I was still there when they returned with Demented.STILL trying to dry out,as my pants were quite wet and all of that.I'd changed into some warm dry socks and another shirt,as I only had one other pair of pants with me. Naturally,this was the worst night I spent,although I prefer to sleep outside.If I'd had the right tarp action,It would have been managable,but alas,I came unprepared because..well I didn't know what to expect. (Comment on this)
7:35 am	The Gathering,continued Yep I'm back home and all Gathered-out,and have a lot of catching up to do,and more besides.So where were we? OH yeah.... July 15th This was supposed to be pickup day for me. Crystal said it might be as early as 9:30am,but possibly closer to 11 or 12.So naturally I was up and ready to go by 8:30 am or so.I wanted to stay offline as much as possible (since I have one line and a dialup connection)so Crys could reach me when she was in the vicinity. So by 8:30 I'd checked my e-mail and stuff.But 9:30 rolled around and no red head,until the phone rang about 10 am i'd guess. They were just outside of Illinois by 60 miles,had a lot of delays due to detours and construction,so not to expect em till 1pm or so. Okay. So I busied myself hauling my few bags downstairs,I figured it'd save time when she got here,and stowed em in my defunct 1992 Dodge Caravan. Then I variously did a number of things to pass the time,including a cat nap. When 1pm arrived,no sign of The Wenchy.2pm..no Wenchy. I tried calling her cellphone but all i got was the messege thing,then went online to see if there was any word on mobile messenger,just in case. So of course while i was doing this,she called again. Running late,lots of roadwork,ect as I had figured. Finally she called again and was near 39 and I guided her in the rest of the way. Boom.A few minutes latter I had two very tired drivers sprawling on the lawn in front of my apartment.They had to rest up before going further.And with the osstacles I didn't blame them,afterall,it IS summer and it IS the midwest. Finally we loaded my stuff in the car and crammed me in the back seat of this gold Jetta. It was smaller then I'd thought. I'm 6'6" and big.My knees were jammed up close behind the drivers seat.After some miles,this became real uncomfortable since my old legs aren't in the best shape. Alternately I lay on the back seat to streach my legs out.You get the picture.Oh yeah. The original plan was to drive striaght through to Amy's house in Batavia,NY. That soon became a fanticial dream,as Crys and John were tired and ragged and needed rest. We had stopped at a rest stop in Ohio while it was still light yet,and they crashed on the grass there,but that didn't last long. Finally after more driving,and dark desending while roaring through Ohio the kids were getting all edgey and everthing from driving and said they had to get a hotel room to get some sleep before Cleveland because they were fizzled. So at a(i think)a Comfort Inn outside of (i think)Cleveland,we got a room,I being the third wheel being snuck in.Heh heh. So there were two large beds,I took one and Crys and John took the other,everyone was able to shower and have a bite to eat from our provisions.I remember being in the bathroom and was cautioned to silence while Crys called her husband. (what was the worry,a guy ,a woman and her boyfriend?what?LoL) I wasn't that tired and since they said it wouldn't bother them,I watched TV,this being 'Coal Miners Daughter' on AMC,which amused me to watch as I hadn't seen it in a long time. Eventually,I turned off the tv and crashed,on the worlds hardest bed.... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 13th, 2004
10:19 pm	How I Spent My Summer Vacation with Pagans #1 Preparing to leave tomorrow morning: This week its the trip to New York for the Reaffirment of my friends Amy and Nate. I'm getting there through the good graces of the wonderful Crystal,despite being poor with little to contribute.Overcoming my pride and ego,all the situations plotting to boogie my trip settled,it's a go,as I officailly knew late last week. So Monday and Today I have been preparing..buying food and snacks to bring,packing bags and acting in a general state of confusion,since I rarely get to go very far. Actually,most of today and tonight I'm preparing as I'm a 'put it off till the last minute' kind of guy. I dunno,its the deadline,the upcoming thrill of being done in time,that gets me moving. But I've been thinking and planning and thats the big thing for me. What to take,what not to take,how much i can fit in my lil flight bag and other items. Preparing for most eventualities as much as possible with limits. Crystal and her friend John are picking me up sometime Weds. morning. When I talked to Crystal this afternoon on the phone,the earliest would be 9:30 am my time,perhaps closer to noon.But the latter the better for me since I'm hoping for some much-needed cash to show up by FedEx,but in typical likelihood,it'll be just in time to be too late.(another journal entry will be :'my life,you can have it'heh heh) So today I went to the laundrymat and washed a load of clothes,long overdue,and put aside various items to pack,and made another trip to the store. I also have to edit down the bag of food i'm taking with includes dried fruit,candy,cookies,fruit bars,some canned foods. I had originally wanted to bake some bread and brownies and such to take,but the weather has been too humid and hot to crank up the oven in me little non-air-conditioned apartment. At this point,I have most of the stuff I want to take crammed into my bag,I'll shower,shave and get pretty tomorrow morning first thing,so I can pack the shaving kit,toothbrush and all that. Plus I threw in a few other goodies I might need:something to read(in this case a Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Diest)a notepad,flashlight,a few goodies as gifts for Crystal n John,camera and film and..well you get the idea. A lot of this trip,I don't know what the accomodations are.I know Crys is planning on camping. Which is fine,since I don't have any money for motels or any of that. I'm bringing my old sleeping bag,a thermos of water and of course the bag of eats.If I have a bite to eat and a place to crash,I'm good to go. Camping is good,I've wanted to camp for a long time,its been awhile.I had thoughts of bringing my lil campkit(a compact pan/pot/dish but I probably won't,it should be unnessasary with everything else. In any event,its gathering stuff up for The Gathering,collection of pagans and freinds,most of whom I have never met face-to-face. It should be indeed interesting,and i'm wondering how to conduct myself. I'm a little shy,but I loosen up as I become more accustomed to people. Its the things you can't plan on that is the tricky part.I just hope everything goes smoothly. So,tonight I'll finish up packing and sitting things out,and then all i have to wait for is Crystal and the rest of the roadtrip. "more as it developes.." (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 11th, 2004
9:18 am	going on a little trip Yah! Next week I'm going to go with some other friends and go to the wedding/handfast/renewel of some other friends that I've known for years,where other friends will be,too! The kicker is,they're 'internet freinds'..dear freinds I've known for a long time..yet have never met face-to-face.And many of these are friends that I'm closer to then the ones in RT..that's 'real time',such as it is. I'm excited,nervous,aprehensive ,freaked-out ,leary,and discombobulated all at the same time. Now ,I'm not going into details here about how it is,how it came to be and the whyfor's and all that crap. Sure,sometimes I'm longwinded as all get out and noodle over every detail,but at the moment,I'm on a simple course..maybe because I just got up a hour or less ago,hee hee! Anyway,I'm riding with my good freinds Crystal and John,and feeling like a freeloader of sorts,seeing my financial situation and my lack of contribution. But I'm overcoming that feeling(at the eternal pokings and prodings of the ever-sympahtic and dear Crystal)to scurry forth and stuff,with a small amount of cash and a bag of cookies,crackers,and other eatables to donate to the Cause. And it will be wonderful to finally meet some of the people that I've known,flirted with,goofed around with and even argued with,for a number of years. These are all people from my Community. This being Paganism Chat on ye olde Yahoo.Mostly P2(which is short for Paganism,room 2,like duhhhh). Probably one interesting thing about the whole thing is the amount of uncertainty.Where to eat,where to sleep,whats going on and all of that other stuff you can't predict. But I'm that way,I like as much imfo a head of time to plan accordingly.So here i am thrusting myself into the unknown to feed the carefree,willynilly,play-by-ear parts of me. Part of the leary part is the amounts and dollops of 'DRAMA' already being attached to this great event.Including threats of revenge,kidnapping,spoiling of fun and in-fighting. Oh boy! I can't wait!And some of the drama even revolves around easy-going me. That being with a freind who thought I was bad-mouthing her,although I didn't or intend that to be. Many of us have looked forward to a "Gathering" of P2 for many years. Every year,there's a plan for us to gather together and meet and mingle,which for one reason or the other has never come to be. But this time..it's gonna happen! All the wheels are set in motion. And it would be a real shame ,after waiting for this event for so long if it turns out to be trauma and bad-feeling,especially at such a happy event. But I am confident that it will be a Good Thing,with but minor squabbles. I can only hope people will act in an adult,respectful manner,if not for anything,but for the sake of Amy and Nate,they who will be Renewed in Vow. So thats why I am looking forward to this little Adventure in both fearful and joyous modes.Ya don't know for sure whats gonna happen when so many people of diffrent ages,demeanors and manners gather together. I myself have been advised that I am going to variously get raped,get ****ed up,and orgy with a number of people. The funny thing here is that I don't hardly drink at all,I don't get high(although I've done my fair share in the Dark Past) and really don't do random sex,despite my online 'image'.And if i actually end up 'coupling' with someone,it'll have to be a yet colder day in Hell,my dear puppies! I'm already wondering about all the people I get to hug,shake hands with and meet.And ,well,maybe ,even some I might kiss,if I get the nerve or the chance.(pause for blushing here)Afterall,though many don't beleive it,I am basically a shy person.But yet I can be like a chameleon and absorb the color of my surroundings,so we'll see. Now go away,I have to pack my little flight bag for a car trip,I'll let you know more as it happens and I see it. Hmmm...should I take the glow-in-dark condoms?....hmmmm... (Comment on this)
9:10 am	Whyizit? (the first of many) Whyizit.. That in these days of ultra communciation technology,with server pacs to fit every budget and whim,celphones,wireless phoness,phones everywhere, mass internet communication by computer,wireless,cable,you name it.. WHY it it groups of people have to horde together in the aisle of the supermarket to gab and catch-up like theres no other way of getting in touch with each other? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
2:07 am	One fine day at the meatmarket.... Okay I want to discuss some subjects of discussion and not a little amusement to myself. But which one do I want to start with? Preferences? Age things?No,lets go with prefs...! Anytime you list your preferences of what you like in the opposite sex(or other desired sex)you skate the possibility of sounding like you are going to the meatmarket to order some chops for that nights dinner. I don't know how many times I've said "well,I like blondes,tall women,slender figures" and thus an equal amount of times I've heard 'oh you wouldn't like me,I'm not:a)blonde b.)tall c.)thin. ' which kinda misses my point for preferences,since those are more Ideals for what you like or think that you like. Sure,I love blondes,especially honey blonde hair..kinda like the swirl of colors,it tickles my artistic sense. Yes,I am attracted to tall women because I'm like a giant at 6'6",and its nice not to have to bend down double to do some smootchin'.Uhhuh,I prefer slender,thin figures..those seem to catch my eye better. HOWEVER,cliche as it may sound,its not the physical that attracts me to a woman,its always been intellegence and personality,and I'd certainly have to throw creativity in there too,those are the big 3 that attracts me. When it comes down to it,its not the color of the hair,the bent of the figure,or the size of the boobs.In fact,I don't care about the boobs at all.Sure they're fun to play with and fondle and all,but the size doesn't matter,although I guess I prefer smaller boobs then big ones. But ultimately,thru ones ideals,it the non-physical things that do it for me.Its the intellect or creativity I'm going to love,its not the looks. Now I do know LOTS of guys who are always saying "ALL of my girl freinds have been babes!"and rubbish like that. Which makes my liberalness bellyflop,because I know these guys just want a good looking hunk of eye candy on their arms,which also explains why those kinds of relationships don't last long. And..oh yeah,here's another term I 'love'(as in NOT)"TROPHY WIFE!" egads,gag me. Despite my general prefrences,my relationship history is dotted with those outside of these ideals. Lots of brunettes,some redheads..short girls...and even some not-so-thin ones! Granted I don't like heifers,but a little pudgy is workable. I am fond of the "Know Thyself" outlook. I'm in a neverending journey of self discovery. I make it a point to catch myself off-guard to find out what attracts me physically. For instance,as an example,I'll be crusing through a parking lot and of course I love to check out the women. Well,I love to observe humankind in general,but of course girl watching is one of my favorite things. So I'll hear myself going 'Mmmmm!' and right then I like to catch myself and note what I was looking at. Oh yeah,long legs and long hair. Or the butt. I love butts,the rhythm section of the human body. Naturally the funny thing about girl watching is you can only go by what you see. You don't see their brains,you just see the carrier of the brain. So does this make me a pig? Well I don't think so,I just admire the beauty of the human body,so what if it happens to be female at that point? But when it comes down to actually being interested in someone up-close and personal,its the inner beauty that draws me. Ultimately,thats why I laugh when I'm told 'you wouldn't like me because...':My dear,the truth is it has nothing to do with any of that,because those are just these foolish Ideals that men..and women..and heck,all humankind foster. I don't really think that I'm unique in my thinking along these lines,I think we are all looking for that someone we can relate to on a personable level,looks be damned. And even odder still,which makes me laugh more,I'm not even "looking" for anyone right now. I don't even date anymore.And I suppose I'll have to do an entry on THAT little number at some point as well.But we can say that relationships do facinate me. I've met some pretty fantastic women in my time whose boyfriends or husbands treat them like dirt,yet they still stay with them.And you have to wonder what somebody else sees in the other to make them feel that way. While there are those rare ones like myself who feels no pressing need to foster a relationship that might end in *ahem* Married Bliss,the rest of the world is out there getting panic bells in their head if they aren't seeing anyone at the time. Sure,I know part of that is only sex,but largely its society. Most of us are raised to beleive that everyone should have somebody,and if you don't ,you're some kind of oddity in the eyes of society. But the fact remains,not everyone is the same. For everyone pining for a relationship there are those of us who take it calmly and with tongue implanted in cheek. If its ment to be,it will be.If its not..well the heck with it.Don't worry about it. Just remember: no matter what society ..and your freinds,and your sister,your mother or aunt Solly tells you..you aren't the weird one if you are single. It only means you aren't part of the swirl and suck of relationships that makes you filled with anxiety,depression and the resentment that sometimes go with being in a relationship.And yes,I am aware that there is the loving part of a relationship that shares and makes you feel like Somebody.But too often these emotional conflicts that come with a relationship can drag you down..at one time or the other,at the very least. So ..if your aren't in a relationship and you have outside pressure to make you feel like you are wasting your life away.Don't worry about it. The people who pressure you are just jealous because THEY aren't single and fancy free. It's just how you look at it,my friend... (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 4th, 2004
9:13 pm	The 4th of July,man! Ah,yes,there's nothing like the 4th of July in a small town! I live in a small aggravating town in north west Indiana called LaPorte,as I have since 1966,coming here from a MUCH bigger city,Dayton,Ohio where I was born in 1954,which makes me,of course,a old fart.(>insert giggle here<) This is a town of about 18,000 small-town souls,a generally nice little town with wonderful school,lakes and parks. Unfortunately it is also employment-depressed,keeping me out of work since last October,but that's another story,and I don't want to dewell on the depressing right now. Here,the 4th of July is one of the Major Events(that and the County Fair which rolls around in August this year,I beleive)with the firework festivities,the Big Parade through town,beer barns,craft fairs downtown and all that hokey small town stuff.For me the major event of the year is the Annual Freinds of the Library used book sale,since I'm a reading and book freak. I've never felt kin to my fellow small-town man,I've always considered myself beyond it I guess.And sometimes I can't even identify with my fellow human being,always considering myself an outsider looking into a small odd snowglobe from the Twilight Zone in some odd fashion. But even I sometimes wish that the simple things could please me so much as they seem to everyone else.But that Every Man concept has sadly eluded me in my existence. I guess the American Ideal is to finish high school,get a good job,marry your highschool sweetheart and have 2.5 kids,live your life with the simple things,retire to comfort and eventually await one's 'reward'.*Sigh* if only my expectations and desires could be so simple. I myself haven't gone to our parade or to our county fair in a number of years,as these things really don't interest me.But I say again,there's nothing like the 4th of July in Small Town America. My favorite part of Parade time is the aftermath. After the parade has runs its course. Famlies and friends gathered in their backyards,watching thier grilling burgers and hotdogs,the constant giggling and playful laugh of small children running around,the non-stop snap and bangs of thousands of small fireworks echoing through the neighborhoods,the smell of brimstone ladden fireworks everywhere,certainly a bevy of tiny fireworks shows,as everyone awaits the Big Fireworks display at the fairgrounds on the night of the 4th. Young couples walking hand-in-hand down the street,the occassional rowdy yells of the beer parties that abound on Holiday weekends,the scream of police sirens racing to check out fender-benders and noise distrubances. In this state fireworks are legal to sell,but not to actually use. Thousands of tiny fireworks stands pop up all over town this time of the year starting in late June. The local law enforcers somehow overlook the many little firework displays going on in the backyards and parking lots,however,in the spirit of the holiday i'd suppose. But yet,there is something humbling and innocent and sweet about the aftermath of a July 4th here. Life is simple,life is good for this instance in time.Even a part of my waundering soul sometimes wishes that I could be happy with such simple things,knowing in the end I could not. Invariably I observe this 4th and music echos in my romantic head,very often strains of some John Mellencamp songs about small towns in Indiana,cherry bombs and the 4th of July. And somehow it seems like all a clip from one of the music videos. For supper today,in fact,I had wished I had picked up some hot dogs.That would seem the appropriate thing for the holiday.But in my anti-littleman perspective,I didn't give it much thought during the planning stages,and it was Baked Tostadas for dinner,although I sorely did not want to heat up the apartment anymore by cranking up the oven. The northern Indiana humidity is upon us and it is warm and sticky ,as I sit at my computer in just shorts and a huge mug of iced cherry Kool-Aid. But although my heart and soul is not with my fellow smalltown man,still I can appreciate it on the level that its sights,sounds and smells are indeed wonderful and intoxicating.And I am even comtemplating breaking out a VHS tape of 'Yankee Doodle Dandy' with James Cagney. Maybe latter,or perhaps not.Right now,I just want to smimmer in the simplicity of it all. "ain't that America,for you and me,ain't that America,its something to see,ain't that America,little pink houses for you and me' Happy birthday,America. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 2nd, 2004
9:23 am	One of the mysteries of life One of the great mysteries of life is relationships.Relationships have always facinated me. Relations between men and women,women and women,men and men,and the whole assortment.But,of course,the men/women are the most complicated as far as I can tell. Currently in my chat life there are minor aggravations involving women,one of whom is somewhat of a ex-online girl freind,who I found was quite the unfaithful wanton girl during our time together,sadly after the fact. Now,explaining everything is complicated for sure..aren't these things always?..and I really don't want to go into personal imformation and such,t'would be quite boring. I'll have to give it some thought as how to present things in a nutshell so I can write on the subject with the reader having a smidgen of understanding. The odd thing is that this has caused this major Drama thing based on observations I put in a public profile,and over-flowed into a situation where the woman is causing drama trauma for people in chat rooms as well as in Groups.And of course,I have refused to discuss it or argue about it in public,or private for that matter,nor do I intend to. My profile.My business.Don't worry about it. The comical thing about it is the woman and her deluded freinds are all dividing up sides and making it some mini-war,but its just such a minor event to me,that it doesn't warrent comment..although I can't help to put in a little 'dig' here and there. Certainly its amusing to me at one veiwpoint as some twisted game,although the reality is that it wouldn't have turned into such a Event if there hadn't been so much ado about nothing.When The Feelie gets pressured by people to 'right' a profile,The Feelie rebels,big time. And so ,to keep my foolish male pride intact and all shiny and stuff,I'm enbroiled in this great Chatroom battle,which I simply look at and snicker,my tongue pressed firmly into my cheek. But,i'm getting ahead of myself ,here. I'll give it some thought and get back to the subject.Like I said ,its complicated. And you know something else that is sad? How you can come to loathe someone you once loved very much. And it could have all been avoided by honesty. Its plain she never loved me and that I was led along for quite sometime,until she saw fit to finally stab me and drop my cold body into the river of byebye Land.(part of the bemusement here is that I knew of some of her 'activities' when we were together ,but never mentioned them to her,just to torment myself into finding out what other little games she was trying to play) But one thing is good: lessons are learned,and my trust is harder to win. Although there is a woman whom I care very much about in my life right now,who somehow makes up for all the bad scenes,still I can smell the fresh blood from the wounds it left. And somehow 'revenge' whistles on the night wind. More as I see fit... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:24 am	..And I said I'd never do it.. I once scoffed at online journals. "what??post my inner-most thoughts online??NO WAY!" So here I am and I have no idea what I'm going to talk about.But don't worry,I always think of something. 'More as it developes..." (Comment on this)